


Devil's Feelings

by kiiyoshe



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, 進撃の巨人 | Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan (Movies), 進撃！巨人中学校 | Shingeki! Kyojin Chuugakkou | Attack on Titan: Junior High
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Pain
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-17 08:08:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29222199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiiyoshe/pseuds/kiiyoshe
Summary: that night when the devils of paradis attacked marley. devils, they called.everyone went there to fight, and kill.but when she thought she could save the innocent citizens from dying,she ended up stayed in marley by force, far from her friends along with a knife at her throat all the time.// Major characters death!// Manga spoilers!
Relationships: Colt Grice/Reader, Jean Kirstein & Reader, Jean Kirstein/Reader, Jean Kirstein/You, jean kirstein/reader/colt grice
Comments: 2
Kudos: 36
Collections: Attack on Titan, Attack on Titan/Shingeki no Kyojin





	1. 00 | Devil's feelings

**Author's Note:**

> warning!! 
> 
> this fanfic contains spoilers from newest attack on titan episodes, also spoilers from the manga!

she still could hear the _scream_.

it has been days and weeks, but she still could hear every single thing that happened that night. she could see how people run away to keep themselves safe,

_but even running away could lead them to death._

she still could hear buildings falling down, explosions, every single thing.

she hoped she could save more that night. but unfortunately, **life was never being fair towards her.**

_she wished she could save more than the amount of people she had saved._

but it couldn't be against the amount of people her own comrades had killed.

_especially eren yeager._

sighing harshly, she hugged her knees, leaning against the filthiest wall she had ever saw, 

knowing that she had been living in an underground cell in Marley since that night.

and also, 

knowing that there was a **man** outside the cell, leaning against the door as he communicated with her.

_"we'll get my brother back."_

the same words.

day by day.

"yeah, im sure of that." she replied with a low and weak tone.

she was weak, even she had to treat her own wounds. at least during in paradis...

... _someone would have done it for her._

but still, the man outside her cell would never leave her. she noticed that he came and visit her frequently, she didn't even get to set what time he'll come. they'd have small talks and she trusted him a lot,

_she saw him screaming in fear when he witnessed his own brother entering a ship full with enemies._

and she understood his feeling.

so they talked. its not that she talked a lot about her life, but she talked that she came there just to save people who didn't even deserve to die,

and she talked that she never supported eren jeager's doings that night. like hell she'd support him.

the guy talked a lot as well, the only difference is that,

_he talked a lot more about himself to her._

_and she listened it all._

without knowing that there was a problem between these moments.

he was **sharing** more about himself to her,

and she had a **boyfriend** in paradis, probably thinking that _she died during that night._


	2. 01 | HER PLAN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you'll enjoy this short fanfic!

"we cant approve your planning proposal, cadet."

he said it 100 times, and she still wanted him to say yes even after 100 times.

"i told you, not everyone has to do it. it just me! i want to exclude—"

"—you want to exclude yourself from this mission just to _save people in marley_ , yet this single mission of yours could get you _killed_. did you notice you're going to wear the survey corps uniform tomorrow night? yet you're going to wonder around marley being a nameless hero thinking that they'd cheer for you?"

she never liked this man. honestly.

what's wrong with saving people? she knew what marleyans did to paradis years ago but she knew they also never had a choice. how could a kid willingly killed thousands of people just like that? everyone could think logically for that matter.

and she knew that the guy infront of her understood that as well.

"its not going to be a burden for this mission. if i were happen to get killed-"

"you wont."

the guy, which was her captain slammed his hand onto the table, staring at her deadly as if he was going to throw her out from his office. 

"i'll make sure i wont, then. but still, im not turning back onto this single mission i told you about. im going for it, on my own"

she, who was standing one meter far from his desk stared back at him. this guy knew that she was stubborn. kind-hearted, but stubborn. and there was nothing anyone could do about it.

anyone, especially her _boyfriend_.

the captain let out his famous 'tch' which she knew that he turned out frustrated thus that kind of sound produced out from his mouth. she didn't get which part of it was a big deal for him. 

"we need your strength, (y/n). you're not just a regular soldier."

" _and im using it for the innocent people who are going to die tomorrow_."

it wasnt a desicion she made on a whim. she thought it through. even from the moment they set their feet in this island illegally, she knew that these people didn't choose to live with this kind of hatred they have right now. 

and from that moment, she knew that everyone need to be saved. every single person.

her thoughts died when the captain stood up and toss her paperworks onto the couch, before he walked towards the window. his eyes glued at the kids who were chasing each other while their mothers sat on a bench and chatted, probably about the event for tomorrow. 

they looked happy. _there was no way he wanted all of them dead._

" **we can't save everyone, (y/n)**. i believe your friends especially armin told you that." his eyes moved and landed at her, as he crossed his arms beneath his coat.

"its not wrong to try. i would be so happy if i could save at least one person...." her tone slowly died, her eyes went down to the floor and her head hung low.

"why does it matter to you, captain? your job tomorrow is just taking down zeke, and i believe that you could have done it in just two seconds-"

"dont say that, brat."

the way he added some pressure into his voice, she knew that their conversation was leading into some more depressing talks. and all she wanted was a single mission.

"my job is not easy. i have to take down that monkey and bomb him out from his furry body. dont you think about the surroundings during that moment? i could have bombed someone infront of some kids. i felt what you felt, just stop saying shits like i never had any feelings."

wow, what a speech.

if he really felt what she felt, he could have let her do that single mission. simple.

the captain sat on his chair, sighing harshly as he hung his head low. he hated this kind of talk with his comrades, this heart to heart talk. hange taught him a lot about this, but he just don't get it.

"if you go for that mission, the risk of you dying is high-"

"i dont want to repeat my words, captain." she gritted her teeth, couldn't take it anymore. maybe he was just too old he couldn't understand her main point of this proposal.

he crossed his legs after that, eyes staring at her in so many questions. and then, he sighed again. if only hange was there with him, at least hange knew the girl infront of him better, since she was originally in hange's squad until the mission of retaking wall maria.

he didn't even know why did she bring up this proposal to him, and not hange.

"have you talked to your friends-"

"everyone said yes, except you."

 _liar_.

he knew she was lying.

he actually realized that she was bringing up this single mission of hers since a week ago, and the first person she talked to about it was mikasa.

of course, who would say yes to such things.

everyone remembered the moment she had a small fight with her boyfriend because of this. and they knew, she never wanted to lose in such fights. he once saw her begging sasha and connie to say yes, and they ended up crying.

who wouldn't cry, she was going to be in a crowd filled with people who called them devils. she would have get shot the moment she showed up, that was the biggest risk ever.

"i know how to survive, im a soldier." she convinced him more, to the point that he had nothing left to say.

he slowly stood up, moving his legs near her as he looked up at his comrade.

"im sorry. its a no from me. you should focus on saving your comrades more, the citizens in this island have their own soldiers to save them. we come here to fight, and attack as been told. that's it."

she sighed loudly. this man will never understand her main point. she never wanted to fight. in fact, she was 100% totally against this idea of war. what did that eren guy had in his mind? she could never understand him since the day they saw the sea together, he was acting a little bit off and no one could understand why.

and now, he was going to kill as much as he can. and the scouts were doing as how he wanted.

she took one step back, eyes still glued at her captain as she dropped her hands at her sides.

_"guess i'll do it myself..."_

"wait, what?"

before the captain could say more, she immediately did her salute and ran out from his office. and her actions really pissed him off.

"tch, kids. why do i have to consult them-"

" **levi!** how's the paperworks?"

the captain turned to his right, and his frowned face loosened as he realized who was it. taking a deep breath, he sat down on the couch, crossing his arms as he closed his eyes for a while.

"why are you asking me the paperworks that i had presented two hours ago, **hange?**."

—

she immediately entered her room as she slammed it close. she was actually running away from hange, afraid that the commander would see her visiting the captain's office for a matter that she never talked about to them.

what's wrong with saving people? she was so sure that the soldiers in marley would focus on fighting, she felt so sure that someone would die tomorrow because of how citizens were freaked out after seeing eren's titan form.

wiping her face with her sweaty palms, she leaned against the door, sighing again for the millionth time today. she closed her eyes for a while, trying to calm herself down as she tried to think about her first moves tomorrow night.

_"hey, how's it going?"_

ah, she forgot.

she shared the room with someone.

slowly, she opened her eyes again, and as expected, the face she really wanted to see was staring her from the corner of the room. she smiled bitterly, shaking her head gently as she took her steps to the bed they both shared.

"he said no." 

the guy infront of her blinked his eyes for a few seconds, before he turned away from her just to face his paperworks as he shrugged. 

_"only crazy people would've said yes."_ he murmured.

"notice that you're the first person who said yes." rolling her eyes, she took off her jacket and laid down onto the bed, sighing harshly.

and the next thing she knew, the man was already hovered her onto the bed, giving her a soft smile as he gently pecked her lips.

"you were going to break up with me if i said no." he reminded her about the fight. and god, he didn't want to break up with the girl underneath him right now. 

she smiled back, her hand landed at his cheek as she caressed it softly, her fingers went through his beard, and her eyes were glued at his.

"you know i would never break up with you." she whispered.

"you're unpredictable, sweetheart" he chuckled as he pulled her up and sat down with her in bed. 

yeah, he knew she was so unpredictable to the point that sometimes he didn't know if he was facing his girlfriend or someone else. the fact that he would had never expected that she'd confess first instead of him, and she did it infront of his friends. 

but he was so sure that she was the type to do things on her own, and she would do anything she can to make it her way. and because of that, he didn't know how many times she had to clean the whole building due to her disobeying the captain's orders.

he caressed the back of her head lovingly, pulling her closer so she'd lay her head onto his shoulder, as his other hand interwined with hers.

"if i still can say no, i would've said it, you know?" he whispered, as if there were other people in this room with them.

"i wont let you say it then." she smiled, playing with his hand that was interwining hers, before she brought it up to her cheek.

"connie and sasha agreed on backing me up, don't worry" she assured him that everything was going to be okay, hoping that he'd loosen up from worrying too much.

"really? do you want me to back you up as well?" he cupped her right cheek and kissed her head, before she slightly pulled away from his embrace.

"you do know that you have _your own squad_ to take care of, right?" she raised her eyebrows slightly, which made him tilted his head and sighed.

she remembered the day he became a commanding officer, everyone wouldn't stop talking about it, especially the ones who knew him since the day he entered military. who would have thought an ignorant boy who wanted an easy life by his own became a commanding officer and have his own squad to lead now?

it was **crazy.**

she remember when sasha and connie wouldn't stop teasing him and tried to hold a sleepover party which they invited commander hange as well and captain levi had to come over to make sure no one would make such a mess, armin talking about how proud he was to him, it was such a enjoyable and memorial night.

"you can't just ditch your squad for me, _commanding officer jean kirschtein_." she teased him, but his reaction didn't show that he was amused by it at all.

he was serious, it was the face that she always saw when he was alone, when he was doing his paperworks, when he was out there fighting titans, the face that had lots of sad and dark meanings behind it where she would never bother to ask.

"it's going to be real dangerous, you know." he said in a low tone. 

"yeah, but lets not look at this from the... dark side only. lets think positively." she grabbed his face and pulled him so she could see his eyes. she smiled, pecking his lips and then his nose, leaving a smooch sound that made him smile.

"do you think i would forget our _promise_ that we made during the attack of trost?" she leaned her forehead against his, still cupping his cheeks. his smile became a little bit wider as he held her hands and leaned closer.

"why would i forget?" he pecked her lips back, which resulting the both of them to chuckle happily.

"please, even though what you're going to do tomorrow will be a suicidal mission, i would have called you a stupid suicidal maniac. but since i love you-"

"you just said it."

his chuckles turned into laughs. he hugged her close, and she could feel the love he tried to give her from the hug. she smiled, leaning her head against his chest so she could listen to his heartbeats.

"why would i do without you, huh?" he said, caressing her head.

"i love you too, jean." she replied and chuckled.

they loved each other.

they knew it.

"you better come back safe tomorrow night and if connie takes his eyes away from you even for a second im going to lock him in the bathroom for a day." he murmured inside her hair, pulling her as close as she can get.

"im not 12, jean." she rolled her eyes with a smile plastered on her face.

"still my baby, though" he replied with a shrug.

they ended up staring at each other for a few minutes, hands caressing each other's face lovely as they started to lean closer and closer. he gave her a small peck at the corner of her lips, before he moved up to kiss her forehead.

"i love you so much." he whispered at her ear, which sent shivers down to her spine as she hugged him even tighter.

"i love you too, comanding officer." she chuckled as he pulled away to look into her eyes.

"say, cadet (l/n)...."

in one second, she felt his lips grazed hers in the softest way ever, as she could feel his hand went up her arms and then her shoulder. she took a deep breath, eyes still never left his.

smiling mischievously, he took her waist and laid her down onto the bed, hovering above her as he interwined their hands.

".... _how does it feel to get laid by a handsome commanding officer the night before a mission_?"

she laughed at his words as he started to lean down slowly, and carefully planted his lips on top of hers, moving it as gently as he can. 

tomorrow will going to be okay. _she hoped so._


	3. 02 | THE ATTACK

this was it.

the day they were going to attack marley. the day where everyone knew that they had been living in that island illegally for a long time. the day where lots of blood and lifeless bodies will fall onto the ground.

_and she joined this war just to minimize that._

she woke up earlier than usual, rolling on her bed as she turned to face jean who was still sleeping soundly, laying on his chest. he looked so lovely, she wanted to treasure this view forever.

slightly, she traced her fingers at his bare shoulder, down to his arm where she grabbed his hand and placed it at her cheek. she always did that, she loved it when she can have his warmth on her cheek. 

she used her other hand to remove the hair from his forehead, before she smiled as she stared at his sleeping face. how can someone looked so peacefully while sleeping when he was going to kill so many people later today.

but it wasn't his fault, nor her comrades' fault, she can't just blame anyone for this.

there was no beauty in war, it was always ugly. no one liked the sound of screams, bombs, guns shooting, who would have liked those sounds? she never liked war.

_so maybe, she could try to make it less ugly today._

—

"sasha! don't just wonder around the town whenever you want!" connie scolded sasha who just came back with lots of snacks in her hand. 

"why? it's for breakfast." she raised her eyebrows innocently, before he handed mikasa one of the snacks she bought. connie scratched his head for a while, not knowing how to stop her for going out in a foreign place with foreign people so easily,

but still ate the snacks like he forgot the world is in danger two seconds after that.

(y/n) smiled, loving the atmosphere that connie and sasha just brought into the messed up situation. she leaned against the wall with a glass of water, watching them eating happily as armin started questioning about the people sasha had met or talked to earlier.

"good morning, _beautiful._ "

her smile became wider when she felt a pair of lips landed on her cheek, loving the warmth as mush as she can. she turned, her eyes sparkled at the guy who was smiling back at her, lovingly.

she immediately replied by putting the glass down and hugged him, leaning her head against his chest which made him startle a bit. "whoa, a little bit _loving_ we are this morning, huh?"

no words came out from her lips, she just hugged him as tight as she can, closing her eyes as she listened to his heartbeat. knowing that she was being a little more clingy that she used to, jean just smiled and wrapped his arms around her, caressing the back of her hair. jean knew it, she did that almost every morning before a mission. 

_because it was a hug she thought it would be the last._

—

30 minutes left before the war, and she was totally prepared, even much more than anyone else. she stood not far from sasha and connie who watched mikasa left for her first attack. 

"its mikasa we're talking about, don't worry about it." connie reassured sasha as he looked at the crowd, some of them started moving to get into their positions, 

_including jean's squad._

"remember the plan, guys. good luck" he patted one of his squad member's shoulder, giving them a motivational smile before he watched them left, knowing that he'd go after them later. 

quickly, he ran towards the person he wanted to see the most before the mission, holding her shoulder as tight as he can as he looked into her eyes.

"hey, how are you feeling?" he asked softly, ignorning sasha and connie who were whispering to each other while glaring playfully at them.

"fine." she replied shortly, her hand started to wonder at his chest, as she landed them on his cheeks. he gave her a small smile, as he leaned down to kiss her on the head.

"you better be." he exhaled into her hair, as he pulled her even closer. he didn't care about the metals they were wearing right now, they did this everytime before a mission, they had already get used to it.

she didn't say a word after that, but the way she hugged him was enough for her to tell him that everything's going to be okay.

"i know that you're trying to save people, but try to distance yourself from people who didn't like your appearance near them. please." he reminded her the same thing for the 100th time. he said it everytime he bumped onto her today, and all she did was nodding her head while smiling against his chest.

her first target was the audience infront of the stage, eren would have crashed that place in a few seconds so she thought it may be best for her to save as much as she can from there.

she had everything planned. there was nothing to be worried about. she talked to armin about this earlier, and he told her the same thing as jean said. armin knew she wasn't someone to look down to, she knew what was she doing and what will be her actions next.

"you better come back **alive**." jean moved to lean his forehead against hers, eyes staring at hers softly and lovingly. "remember our promise?" he asked again, caressing her cheek gently.

" _stay alive for each other._ " she whispered.

it was a promise they made during the _battle of trost_. she remembered every detail of it.

she remembered when eren slammed jean against the pole as they argued, talking about the value of life and sacrifices they were going to make. and of course, they never had it in peace. during the chaotic moment when all she need was to prepare herself, she stood not far from them, watching and listening to every words they screamed into each other's face.

and when the argue ended, jean scoffed in anger, tried to calm himself down but seemed like he failed miserably. who wouldn't piss off, he was going to enter the military police tomorrow.

_so she tried to approach him._

"hey, jean." she called out for his name, which resulting him to turn back and look at her. he was still annoyed, she could see that.

"what is it?"

" _promise me something._ " she didn't want to wait anymore. she stood two meters away from him, staring at his angry face which started to loose up as she opened her mouth.

" _you'll stay alive. promise me you'll stay alive._ **for me**." she said, eyes didn't left his.

" **promise me that you'll stay alive for me.** " she repeated her words, after realizing that jean turned out stunned by her words. maybe he was clueless, maybe he was wondering would she say such things so suddenly.

he stared at her face, his mouth opened slightly as he let out a quiet sigh. his angry face was now gone for a while, it has been replaced with a soft reaction that he didn't usually show to everyone.

they stared at each other for a few seconds, as jean tried to process her words for a while.

and when he realized what did she actually mean, he sighed and turned his back at her, probably didnt want to show his face at her after that that.

she blinked for a few times, confused by his actions. she looked at his back, not knowing what kind of face he was making right now.

" _you better stay alive as well._ **f...for me too.** " 

and before she could reply to his words, he ran off, away from her. 

_if only she could see his reaction that day._

"alright, lovebirds! looks like the commanding officer needs to get into his position real soon!" 

connie pulled jean away from (y/n), his hand patted jean's back as he reminded his best friend about the mission that will start soon. jean scoffed at connie, pushing him away before he reached (y/n) again, his hand on her shoulders softly.

"good luck." he whispered.

"of course, commanding officer."

jean chuckled, loving the face he was staring at right now. he lowkey didn't want to let go, but he was sure that she'd do just alright. he knew that she was strong. he'd believe in her.

slowly, he leaned in and gave her a few seconds kiss on the lips, which made sasha and connie cringed so hard. (y/n) widened her eyes, shocked at how he did that so publicly, with probably more 30 of her comrades watching. 

after that, he planted a kiss on her forehead, before he gave her the purest smile she could ever get. 

"i love you."

"i love you too, jean."

with that, he slowly let go of her, smiling as he grabbed connie's shoulder and dragged him to his position. (y/n) and sasha laughed, amused at the way connie pulled jean's beard, as he tried to run away from the taller guy.

"it'll be okay, (y/n). don't worry." sasha said, holding her sniper as she patted her friend's shoulder.

_yeah, it'll be fine._

—

she didn't wait so long as she got into her position. the position that she set up alone. she leaned against the wall, not far from the croud that was listening to willy tybur's speech while clapping their hands and cheering. 

she could imagine reiner's face when he saw eren. also, she noticed there was a little boy with him. poor that boy, being used by eren for things like this. he must have been traumatized.

but she was sure eren probably looked at the boy as a nice person, even by his face she knew that boy was a kind-hearted one.

thinking about any possibilities that could have happen from now on, she held onto her weapons tight, even though she didn't think she'd use it right now. jean forced her to have it, but she knew that holding a weapon while approaching them would make them scared.

_she didn't want to be a threat to them. that wasn't her main point._

even levi stopped her earlier and asked her to reconsider her choices, but she just ignored him and walked away. 

there's no turning back now.

so she prepared herself,

_and building started to explode._

—

the screams had started,

the chaos,

the sounds of explosions,

the sounds she hated the most had come.

ignoring how wild eren had become in the last few seconds, the way he just ate willy tybur like it was nothing, the way he smashed everything down,

she started moving and did what she had planned for so long. 

she tried to look at the crowd of people who were running and tried to keep themselves save, as her eyes moved to search anyone who probably needed help.

and she immediately found one.

there was a boy who got probably broke his legs, screaming his lungs out for help but she realized the situation they were in right now. everyone was on their own, trying their best to keep themselves alive.

so she used her odm gear, 

and as fast as she can,

she flew towards the boy and grabbed him quickly so that she could put him down to a safer place.

she cupped the boy's mouth, tried to stop him from screaming as she fastened her odm gear, at the same time looked at her surrounding if there were any other people who need help.

after she arrived at the safer place, she put the boy down, and then immediately ran away from the soldiers. they could have sensed her from the weapon she had. 

but still, this was fun.

she had noticed a few of her comrades had show up with their odm gear, probably mikasa had taken down the warhammer titan. 

they all will do their job well,

she just had to do hers, noticing that most of the soldiers were focusing on the attack, 

_which most of them were killed by her comrades._

she flew back to another building again, trying to find someone to save as she tried her best to hide herself from a soldier,

but didn't she realize,

there was a _marleyan soldier_ who noticed her flying to grab that poor boy.

and it left that soldier speechless for a while.


End file.
